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The passenger is sitting in a compartment on a train. He is reading a newspaper. The steward opens the door.
Steward Coffee!
Passenger No, thanks.
The passenger closes the door, and continues reading. The waiter opens the door.
Waiter Seats for dinner!
Passenger No, thanks.
The passenger closes the door again, and continues reading. The ticket inspector opens the door.
Inspector Tickets!
Passenger No, thanks.
Inspector Pardon?
Passenger I don't want a ticket, thank you.
Inspector I'm not selling tickets, sir.
Passenger No?
Inspector No, I want to see your ticket.
Passenger Oh, I haven't got a ticket.
Inspector You haven't got a ticket?
Passenger No. I never buy a ticket.
Inspector Why not?
Passenger Well, they are very expensive, you know.
Inspector Sir, you're travelling on a train. When people travel on a train, they always buy a ticket.
Passenger Er -
Inspector And this is a first-class compartment.
Passenger Yes, it is very nice, isn't it?
Inspector No, sir. I mean: This is a first-class compartment. When people travel in a first-class compartment, they always buy a first-class ticket.
Passenger No, they don't.
Inspector What?
Passenger A lot of people don't buy tickets. The Queen doesn't buy a ticket, does she? Eh? Eh?
Inspector No, sir, but she's a famous person.
Passenger And what about you? Where's yours?
Inspector Mine?
Passenger Yes, yours. Your ticket. Have you got a ticket?
Inspector Me, sir?
Passenger Yes, you.
Inspector No, I haven't got a ticket.
Passenger Ooh - are you a famous person?
Inspector (Flattered) Famous? Well, not very - (Back to normal) Sir, I am a ticket inspector.
I inspect tickets. Are you going to show me your ticket?
Passenger No, I haven't got a ticket.
Inspector I see.
The ticket inspector puts his hand into his pocket.
Passenger What are you going to do?
Inspector I'm going to write your name in my book.
Passenger Oh.
Inspector What is your name, sir?
Passenger Mickey Mouse.
The inspector begins to write.
Inspector Mickey -
Passenger - Mouse. M-O-U-S-E.
The inspector stops writing.
Inspector Your name, sir?
Passenger Karl Marx? William Shakespeare? Charles Dickens?
Inspector I see, sir. Well, if you're not going to tell me your name, please leave the train.
Passenger Pardon?
Inspector Leave the train.
Passenger I can't.
Inspector You can't what?
Passenger I can't leave the train.
Inspector Why not?
Passenger It's moving.
Inspector Not now, sir. At the next station.
Passenger Oh.
Inspector It's in the book, sir. When you travel by train, you buy a ticket, and if you don't buy a ticket, you -
Passenger & Inspector leave the train.
Inspector Here we are, sir. We're coming to a station. Please leave the train now.
Passenger Now?
Inspector Yes, sir. I'm sorry, but -
Passenger Oh, that's OK.
Inspector - it's in the book, and - What did you say?
Passenger I said: ‘That's OK.'
Inspector OK?
Passenger Yes, this is my station. Goodbye.
The passenger leaves the train.
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Sketch
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