The clerk is working at her desk. The man comes in and coughs twice.

Clerk Oh, good morning. Can I help you?

Man Yes. Have you got any passports?

`Clerk Yes, we have.

Man Oh, good. The shop next door hasn't got any. I'd like twenty, please.

Clerk Twenty?

Man Yes. All different colours.

Clerk I'm sorry. That's impossible.

Man All right. All the same colour.

Clerk No, no - it's impossible to have twenty passports.

Man Is it?

Clerk Yes. You can only have one.

Man Oh, all right. One passport, please.

He offers some money.

Clerk Just a minute. It isn't as easy as that. You have to answer some questions.

Man Oh.

Clerk What kind of passport do you want?

Man What kind of passport?

Clerk Yes.

Man A big round yellow one.

Clerk We've only got small blue rectangular ones. When I say ‘What kind?', I mean: How long?

Man How long?

Clerk How long? Five years? Ten years?

Man I want it today.

Clerk No, I mean: How long do you want it to last?

Man How long do I want it to last?

Clerk Yes

Man A hundred years.

Clerk A hundred years?!

Man Yes.

Clerk You can't have a passport for a hundred years.

Man Why not?

Clerk Er...l don't know. All right - a passport for a hundred years. Now, we have to fill in this form. Er...Do sit down.

Man Oh, thank you.

He sits down.

Clerk Now...first question. Name.

Man William Shakespeare.

Clerk William Shakespeare?

Man Yes.

Clerk Is that your name?

Man No, but it's a very nice name.

Clerk Yes, but what's your name?

Man Oh, my name. Sorry.

Clerk Well, what is it?

Man Smith.

Clerk (Writing) Smith.

Man (in a high voice) That's right. Smith. S-M-l-T-H.

Clerk Pardon?

Man Smith, that's right.

Clerk And what's your first name, Mr Smith?

Man (In a high voice) Charles.

Clerk Pardon?

Man Charles.

Clerk (Writing) Charles.

Man (In a low voice) That's right.

The clerk is puzzled.

Clerk Mr Smith?

Man (In a high voice) Yes?

Clerk There's something rather strange about the way you speak.

Man Is there?

Clerk Yes. When I say your family name -

Man Smith.

Clerk Yes, Smith -

Man (In a high voice) Yes?

Clerk Your voice goes up.

Man Does it?

Clerk Yes. And when I say your first name -

Man Charles.

Clerk Yes, Charles -

Man (In a low voice) Yes?

Clerk Your voice goes down.

Man Er...yes, it's true. It's a very big problem when I'm having a conversation.

Clerk That's right.

Man But there is a solution.

Clerk What is it?

Man You can call me by a different name.

Clerk A different name?

Man Yes. Then we can have a normal conversation.

Clerk Oh, good. What name would you like?

Man Brunhilde.

Clerk What?

Man Call me Brunhilde.

Clerk Brunhilde -

Man - Schwarzkopf.

Clerk I beg your pardon?

Man Schwarzkopf. Brunhilde Schwarzkopf. Just write it down.

Clerk (Suspicious) Write it down?

Man Oh, yes - you must write it down. You see, if I see my real name on a piece of paper, my voice goes funny. (In a high voice) Look, there it is -

He taps the form.

Man (In a high voice) - Quick! Smith! Cross it out! Cross it out!

Clerk Oh. Right.

The clerk crosses out his name.

Man That's better.

Clerk (Writing) Now...Brunhilde Schwarzkopf. Well, Miss Schwarzkopf, there are one or two more questions. Er...Question two: Address.

Man Pardon?

Clerk Address.

Man No, it isn't.

Clerk What?

Man It isn't a dress. I'm not wearing a dress. It's a raincoat.

Clerk No, no - address, address!

Man No, no - a raincoat, a raincoat!

Clerk Look - where do you live!

Man Oh, where do I live?

Clerk Yes

Man Round the corner.

Clerk Can you be more exact?

Man Er.. .just round the corner.

Clerk Brunhilde! What is your address?

Man OK, OK. My address is 14...Brunhilde Street.

Clerk (Writing) 14, Brun - Ah! That means 14 Smith Street, doesn't it?

Man (In a high voice) No - 14, Charles Street.

Clerk 14, Charles Street.

Man (in a low voice) That's right.

Clerk Now... nationality.

Man Er...just write ‘British'.

Clerk Are you British?

Man It doesn't matter. Just write ‘British'.

Clerk Brunhilde, are you or are you not British?

Man That is a very good question.

Clerk And what is the answer?

Man It's a bit complicated.

Clerk All right, then. Let's start at the beginning. Where were you born?

Man I don't remember.

Clerk You don't remember.

Man No.

Clerk Why not?

Man I was very young at the time.

Clerk Well, what about your father and mother?

Man They were older than me.

Clerk Brunhilde! Tell me about your mother.

Man She was very nice...tall, with a long black beard.

Clerk Your mother?

Man Oh no, that was my father...

Clerk (Angry) All right! That's enough! I don't want to hear any more! Just take your passport -

Man Oh, thank you.

She gives him a passport.

Clerk - put a photograph in it, and go anywhere in the world. But don't come back here!

She leaves the office.

Man Hmmm...A British passport, in the name of Brunhilde Schwarzkopf. Excellent. Brunhilde!

His girl-friend, Brunhilde, comes in.

Brunhilde Ja?

Man I've got a passport for you.

Brunhilde ja?

Man Now we can go anywhere in the world.

Brunhilde Ja!

Man What about a holiday in the sun?

Brunhilde ja!

Man (To himself) She doesn't understand a word I say.

Brunhilde Ja!