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The doctor is sitting at his desk. The telephone rings: the student-doctor is calling.
Doctor Hello?
Student Doctor Watson?
Doctor Yes?
Student My name's Smith.
Doctor What's the matter with you?
Student Nothing, doctor. I'm fine.
Doctor Really? In that case, why are you calling?
Student Well, I'm a doctor.
Doctor You're a doctor?
Student Actually, I'm a student-doctor.
Doctor You're a student?
Student - doctor.
Doctor Yes?
Student Er...I'm a student-doctor.
Doctor Ah! A student-doctor!
Student Yes, I'm studying to be a doctor, doctor.
Doctor A doctor-doctor? What's a doctor-doctor?
Student Well, you're a doctor, doctor.
Doctor Am I?
Student Yes, and I'd like to come and watch you working.
Doctor Fine. Come any time. Goodbye.
The doctor puts the telephone down. There is a knock at the door.
Doctor Come in!
The patient enters. He has one arm in a sling.
Patient Good morning, doctor.
Doctor (To the patient) Ah, you must be the student-doctor.
Patient Pardon?
Doctor Student-doctor.
Patient Student-doctor? No, actually, I'm - Doctor. Sit down.
The patient sits down.
Doctor Now, you want to watch me working.
Patient Er...No, actually, I'm not a -
There is another knock at the door.
Doctor Ah. That'll be my first patient. Come in!
The student-doctor comes in.
Student Good morning, doctor.
Doctor Good morning. (To the student-doctor, indicating the patient) This is a student- doctor. He's come to watch me working. (To the patient, indicating the student- doctor) This is a patient. I'm going to ask her a few questions.
Student Doctor?
Doctor Yes?
Student I'm a student-doctor.
Doctor Really?
Student Yes.
Doctor (To the patient, indicating the student-doctor) She's a student-doctor. Like you.
Patient I'm not a student-doctor.
Doctor You're not a student?
Patient - doctor.
Doctor Yes?
Student I think he's a patient, doctor.
Doctor A patient doctor? That's marvellous! Patient doctors are the best kind.
Student No! I'm a student-doctor - he's a patient.
Doctor I'm a student-doctor - he's a patient.
Patient No! I'm a patient - you're a doctor.
Doctor I'm a patient - you're a doctor.
Patient/Student No!!
Student You're a doctor - he's a patient!
Doctor You're a doctor - he's a patient!
Patient/Student No!!
Patient You're a doctor - she's a student-doctor.
Doctor You're a doctor - she's a student-doctor.
Patient/Student No!!
Student(Indicating) Student-doctor... doctor... patient, doctor.
Patient (Indicating) Patient...doctor...student-doctor, doctor.
Doctor (Pointing in various directions) Doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor! (Indicating correctly) Patient...doctor...student-doctor.
Student Yes!!
Doctor Well, I'm glad that's all clear. Goodbye.
Student Doctor?
Doctor Yes?
Student I think you should examine the patient.
Doctor Examine him?
Student Find out what's wrong.
Doctor What a good idea! Now, when you examine a patient, the first thing you must do is tell the patient to sit down. You try it.
Student(To the patient) Sit down.
Patient I'm already sitting down.
Student He's already sitting down.
Doctor Ah, this is a very common problem. If the patient is already sitting down, don't tell him to sit down.
Student Oh. (To the patient) Don't sit down.
Patient Oh. Right.
The patient stands up.
Doctor Sit down!
Patient Right.
The patient sits down.
Doctor Now, when the patient is sitting down, what's the first thing you should do?
Student Take his temperature?
She feels the patient's forehead.
Doctor No.
Student Feel his pulse?
She feels the patient's pulse (on his good arm).
Doctor No.
Student Tell him to say ‘Aah'?
Doctor Pardon?
Student Say ‘Aah'.
Doctor ‘Aah!'
Student No - him.
Doctor ‘Himmm!'
Student No! Tell him to say ‘Aah'.
Doctor Ah! Him! (To the patient) Say ‘Aah'.
Patient Pardon?
Doctor Say ‘Aah'.
Patient Aah.
Doctor Good!
Patient Actually, doctor, the problem is my arm –
Doctor Now we can ask the patient some questions.
Student Questions?
Doctor Yes - and here they are.
The doctor gives the student-doctor a list of questions.
Doctor Go on - you can ask him the questions.
Student Oh. Right.
Doctor (To the patient) Now listen very carefully, because we have some very important questions for you.
Patient But doctor, the problem is -
Doctor (To the student-doctor) Read the first question.
Student Are you Mrs Elisabeth Robinson of 45 Shakespeare Avenue?
Patient No.
Doctor Correct.
Student Is this your first baby?
Patient What?
Doctor Try the next one.
Student What is the capital of Uruguay?
Patient Montevideo.
Doctor Correct. Well, there's nothing wrong with his South American geography.
Patient But doctor -
Doctor You're fine. You can go now.
Student Doctor!
Doctor Yes?
Student I really think you should examine the patient.
Doctor Good idea.
The doctor places his stethoscope on the patient's chest.
Doctor Cough.
The patient coughs.
Doctor Cough.
The patient coughs.
Doctor Cough.
The patient coughs.
Doctor Cough.
The patient coughs.
Doctor Cough.
The patient coughs.
Doctor I know what's wrong with him.
Student What?
Doctor He's got a cough.
Student He's got a cough?!
Doctor Yes - and I, Doctor Watson, have got the answer.
The doctor produces a bottle of medicine from his pocket.
Doctor(Pointing at the bottle) ‘Doctor Watson's Universal Cough Remedy.'
Student ‘Doctor Watson's Universal Cough Remedy'?
Doctor Yes.
Student But what about his arm!
Doctor Er... (Pointing at the bottle again) ‘Doctor Watson's Universal Cough and Arm Remedy.'
Student ‘Universal Cough and Arm Remedy'?
Doctor Yes - and this is how it works. He can drink it -
He makes the patient drink some of the medicine.
Patient Aaargh!
Doctor - but it tastes horrible. Or he can rub it on his back -
He rubs some of the medicine on the patient's back.
Doctor - but he must mix it with water first.
Patient Aa.. .aaa.. .aaargh!
Doctor As you can see, he's feeling much better now. All he needs is six months in hospital. Let's take him away.
Student Where? To the hospital?
Doctor No, to the bus stop. Come on!
The doctor and the student-doctor help the patient to his feet, and they all leave.
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