====== English Teaching Theatre - Unit 03 - The King of Boonland ======

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<poem>
//The guard and the sergeant march to the sentry-box.//

**Sergeant** Quick march! Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right! Halt!...Right turn!...Bradshaw! 

**Guard	** Sir!

**Sergeant** You are guarding Buckingham Palace.

**Guard	**Yes, sir!

**Sergeant** Don’t forget!

**Guard** No, sir!

//The sergeant leaves. The guard stands silently. The King of Boonland comes up to the guard.//

**King** Good morning...Hello?...Nice day, isn’t it?...Do you speak English?...Sprechen Sie espanol?... I think he's deaf. Oh, well...

//The King starts to go into the Palace.//

**Guard**	Oi!

**King	**Oh! He can talk!

**Guard	**Where are you going?

**King** I’m going into Buckingham Palace.

**Guard	**Stand there!

**King	**I don’t want to stand there. I want to go in there.

**Guard	**Stand there!!

**King	**Oh, all right.

**Guard	**Who do you think you are?

**King	**I'm Fred, King of Boonland.

**Guard** Well, listen to me, Fred King -

**King	**No, no, my name isn’t Fred King. I am King Fred.

**Guard	**Are you trying to tell me that you are a real king?

**King** Yes. I am the King of Boonland.

**Guard	**Boonland?

**King	**Yes.

**Guard** And where exactly is Boonland?

**King** Huh! You don’t know where Boonland is?

**Guard	**No.

**King	**Oh. OK, look at my map...

//The King finds his map.//

**King** ...yes, here we are. Now, this is a map of the world.

**Guard** Yes.

**King	**And Boonland is here.

**Guard	**That is the Atlantic Ocean.

**King** Yes - and Boonland is in the middle.

**Guard** What? In the middle of the Atlantic?

**King** Yes.

**Guard	**I don’t believe you.

**King** Eh?

**Guard** I think you are trying to get into Buckingham Palace.

**King	**That's right. I am.

**Guard	**Well, you can't.

**King** Yes, I can. Wait a minute - I can prove I'm the King of Boonland. Look!

**Guard	**It’s a five-pound	note.

**King	**No, it's not five	pounds.

**Guard	**Isn't it?

**King	**No, it's five boonos.

**Guard	**Five boonos?

**King	**Yes.

//The guard looks at the note.//

**Guard** Oh, yes! Five boonos. So this is the money you use in Boonland.

**King	**Yes, it is.

**Guard** How many boonos are there in a pound?

**King	**Half a million.

**Guard	**Half a million?

**King** Yes, and there are one hundred boonitos in a boono.

**Guard**	Now, listen to me -

**King** Ah! I can prove I'm the King of Boonland. There’s a picture of me on the one-boonito coin. Urn...Have you got change for ten boonitos?

**Guard	**No, I haven’t!

**King** Oh. It’s all right. Look - one boonito coin, with a picture of me on it.

**Guard** Oh, yes. A picture of you.

//The King nods.//

**Guard	**Tell me — why do you want to go into the Palace?

**King	**I am here to bring the Queen the good wishes of the people of Boonland.

**Guard** The good wishes of the people of Boonland?

**King** Yes.

**Guard** How many people are there in Boonland?

**King** Well, there’s me, and my mother, and -

**Guard	**No, No! All together! What’s the population of Boonland?

**King	**Ah - well, there are the people in the capital -

**Guard** In the capital?

**King** Yes, Boonland City. And there are the people who live in the mountains - we call them ’the mountain people'.

**Guard** Very clever.

**King** And there are the people who live in the lake.

**Guard** In the lake?!

**King** Yes.

**Guard** What do you call them?

**King** Stupid.

//They laugh.//

**Guard** So, there are the people in the capital -

**King** Boonland City.

**Guard** - and the people who live in the mountains -

**King** The mountain people.

**Guard** - and the people who live in the lake.

**King** The idiots.

**Guard	**How many is that all together?

**King	**Urn... Fourteen.

**Guard** Fourteen?!

**King** Yes. And we want to give the Queen a special Boonese present.

**Guard** A special present from Boonland?

**King** Yes - here it is!

//The King takes a banana from his bag.//

**Guard** But that’s a banana.

**King** I know.

**Guard** What's so special about a banana?

**King** It isn't an ordinary banana.

**Guard	**Isn't it?

**King** No. Put it in your ear.

**Guard	**What?!

**King** Put the banana in your ear.

**Guard	**Why?

**King** Just put the banana in your ear!

**Guard	**All right.

//The guard puts the banana in his ear.//

**King	**Can you hear	anything?

**Guard	**Oh, yes!

**King	**What does it	sound like?

**Guard	**It sounds like	an elephant with toothache.

**King** What?! That is the National Song of Boonland. (He sings) Oh, Boonland! */!*&*@::!*/!* 

**Guard	**Oi!

**King** It’s all right - I'm speaking Boonese. */!* is a word in Boonese.

**Guard** And what exactly does */!* mean?

**King** It means 'land of sunshine and bananas’.

//The King sneezes.//

**Guard** What does that mean?

**King** It means I’ve got a bad cold. Now give me the banana, because I don’t want to be late for tea with the Queen.

**Guard	**Oh, right, sir.	Here you are, sir.

//The guard gives back the banana.//

**King** Thank you very much. Oh, this is for you.

**Guard	**What is it?

**King	**Half a million	boonos.

**Guard	**Half a million	boonos?!

**King** Yes. Go and buy yourself a cup of tea.

</poem>


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