The guard and the sergeant march to the sentry-box.
Sergeant Quick march! Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right! Halt!…Right turn!…Bradshaw!
Sergeant You are guarding Buckingham Palace.
Guard Yes, sir!
Sergeant Don’t forget!
Guard No, sir!
The sergeant leaves. The guard stands silently. The King of Boonland comes up to the guard.
King Good morning…Hello?…Nice day, isn’t it?…Do you speak English?…Sprechen Sie espanol?… I think he's deaf. Oh, well…
The King starts to go into the Palace.
King Oh! He can talk!
Guard Where are you going?
King I’m going into Buckingham Palace.
Guard Stand there!
King I don’t want to stand there. I want to go in there.
Guard Stand there!!
King Oh, all right.
Guard Who do you think you are?
King I'm Fred, King of Boonland.
Guard Well, listen to me, Fred King -
King No, no, my name isn’t Fred King. I am King Fred.
Guard Are you trying to tell me that you are a real king?
King Yes. I am the King of Boonland.
Guard And where exactly is Boonland?
King Huh! You don’t know where Boonland is?
King Oh. OK, look at my map…
The King finds his map.
King …yes, here we are. Now, this is a map of the world.
King And Boonland is here.
Guard That is the Atlantic Ocean.
King Yes - and Boonland is in the middle.
Guard What? In the middle of the Atlantic?
Guard I don’t believe you.
Guard I think you are trying to get into Buckingham Palace.
King That's right. I am.
Guard Well, you can't.
King Yes, I can. Wait a minute - I can prove I'm the King of Boonland. Look!
Guard It’s a five-pound note.
King No, it's not five pounds.
Guard Isn't it?
King No, it's five boonos.
Guard Five boonos?
The guard looks at the note.
Guard Oh, yes! Five boonos. So this is the money you use in Boonland.
King Yes, it is.
Guard How many boonos are there in a pound?
King Half a million.
Guard Half a million?
King Yes, and there are one hundred boonitos in a boono.
Guard Now, listen to me -
King Ah! I can prove I'm the King of Boonland. There’s a picture of me on the one-boonito coin. Urn…Have you got change for ten boonitos?
Guard No, I haven’t!
King Oh. It’s all right. Look - one boonito coin, with a picture of me on it.
Guard Oh, yes. A picture of you.
The King nods.
Guard Tell me — why do you want to go into the Palace?
King I am here to bring the Queen the good wishes of the people of Boonland.
Guard The good wishes of the people of Boonland?
Guard How many people are there in Boonland?
King Well, there’s me, and my mother, and -
Guard No, No! All together! What’s the population of Boonland?
King Ah - well, there are the people in the capital -
Guard In the capital?
King Yes, Boonland City. And there are the people who live in the mountains - we call them ’the mountain people'.
Guard Very clever.
King And there are the people who live in the lake.
Guard In the lake?!
Guard What do you call them?
Guard So, there are the people in the capital -
King Boonland City.
Guard - and the people who live in the mountains -
King The mountain people.
Guard - and the people who live in the lake.
King The idiots.
Guard How many is that all together?
King Urn… Fourteen.
King Yes. And we want to give the Queen a special Boonese present.
Guard A special present from Boonland?
King Yes - here it is!
The King takes a banana from his bag.
Guard But that’s a banana.
King I know.
Guard What's so special about a banana?
King It isn't an ordinary banana.
Guard Isn't it?
King No. Put it in your ear.
King Put the banana in your ear.
King Just put the banana in your ear!
Guard All right.
The guard puts the banana in his ear.
King Can you hear anything?
Guard Oh, yes!
King What does it sound like?
Guard It sounds like an elephant with toothache.
King What?! That is the National Song of Boonland. (He sings) Oh, Boonland! */!*&*@::!*/!*
King It’s all right - I'm speaking Boonese. */!* is a word in Boonese.
Guard And what exactly does */!* mean?
King It means 'land of sunshine and bananas’.
The King sneezes.
Guard What does that mean?
King It means I’ve got a bad cold. Now give me the banana, because I don’t want to be late for tea with the Queen.
Guard Oh, right, sir. Here you are, sir.
The guard gives back the banana.
King Thank you very much. Oh, this is for you.
Guard What is it?
King Half a million boonos.
Guard Half a million boonos?!
King Yes. Go and buy yourself a cup of tea.